Write About It

Aloha...

Tue, 03 Jan 2012 00:08:41 -0500

I am leaving in 4 days. I have abandoned this blog due to my busy days of preparing and entertaining family. To say it’s been chaotic is an understatement. I haven’t even had time to get nervous, my mind is constantly spinning and making to-do lists. I just want to be on the plane. I want to cut off all contact with the outside world. I want to prove to people that I can do this! Though they say they believe I can, I don’t think they really do, it’s like people under estimate me. Well i’m doing it…

jakespeaks: Sorrow found me when I was young, Sorrow waited,...

Sun, 18 Dec 2011 14:24:19 -0500

jakespeaks:

Sorrow found me when I was young,
Sorrow waited, sorrow won.
Sorrow that put me on the pills,
It’s in my honey, it’s in my milk.
Don’t leave my hyper heart alone
On the water,
Cover me in rag and bones, sympathy.
Cause I don’t wanna get over you.
I don’t wanna get over you.

Sorrows my body on the waves
Sorrows a girl inside my cave
I live in a city sorrow build?
It’s in my honey, it’s in my milk.
Dont leave my hyper heart alone,
On the water,
Cover me in rag and bones, sympathy.
Cause I don’t wanna get over you.
I don’t wanna get over you.

every time I am feeling depressed I thank God im not the guy who wrote this song. this guy is super depressed. but it creates such good music. depression = love/hate

Wystan Hugh Auden (1907-1973) Funeral Blues Stop all the...

Thu, 15 Dec 2011 14:32:21 -0500

Wystan Hugh Auden (1907-1973)

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling in the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever, I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Will.

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 21:05:53 -0500

I had the pleasure of meeting Will over the phone for an interview for an article I am writing about a grand race called El Tour De Tucson. My angle was on certain riders who had faced obstacles in their life that were difficult to overcome but through the training and accomplishment of the race, they had, in a way, achieved more than crossing the finish line. In Will’s case, he has been battling melanoma for three years. Two days after riding the 2010 El Tour De Tucson, he had his right eye removed. He saw it as his “last possible ride”. This year’s ride, however, took on another meaning. Will rode with two significant people in his life, on both sides of him; Erec on one side and Tom on the other. Because of his limited vision, Will had the fear of crashing or even knocking someone over, that’s when he was humbled and open to receive help. He told me that it might sound odd, but this race became a spiritual event for him. I saw nothing odd in that statement. This year it became about being grateful and it was no longer about the “macho b.s.” About three weeks before the ride (he was still undecided about riding), Will decided to fly down from Indiana and join the race. He knew he would regret it if he didn’t. El Tour affirmed the journey of this last year facing the limitation of surgery and recovery. It was not about the bike ride, it was about pushing beyond limits, limits of cancer.

Will saw the ride as symbolic; a “life-giving” experience.

For Tom, having Will come back brought meaning to the ride. For Erec, the ride was not about finishing first or beating your previous time, it was a service to others.

“I couldn’t have gotten through without them” Said Will.

I received an email from Erec this morning:

Hey Madison,

I am delighted you got a chance to talk to Will and Tom.

And I doubt that Will told you, but his cancer had metastasized.

He has a bad prognosis, but is looking at various treatments.

This is just a post script to your article, a sad one.

Please don’t mention to him that I told you, but I thought you should know.

Will has been given six months to live. He has a wife and children.

I told Erec, I’m not sure if it means much, but I am praying for Will, I believe God can heal.

Erec said, I share that same belief.

I have only known Erec for a few months through my job at The University of Arizona. He has frequently visited my office and has shared bits of life lessons throughout our conversations. He stood out to me because of his genuineness. He was interested in my life. He told me once that I brought life to humanity, and though it sounds like an odd compliment, it made sense to me. I saw the same thing in him. I think, in a way, Jesus connects us believers. When you encounter someone who has a genuine spirit and truly loves, you just know. You know why they are different, because so are you.

Sister

Sat, 03 Dec 2011 17:36:23 -0500

My final essay in my creative non fiction class is a 20 page minimum revised story. I chose to write about my sister. As I began, it was mostly a narrative of her time in the hospital, but now it has become this self analysis on how my relationship with her has formed me into me.

It’s so heavy, it’s hard to swallow. How can someone be such a part of molding you?

The choice is yours

Tue, 29 Nov 2011 19:25:52 -0500

Why does love pull you in and then spit you out? I made a promise to someone to never give up, even though we might not like each other somedays, a commitment meant more. We work through the hard times. We push aside those feelings of unsettlement. We stay. The end is worth it, or so I was told. The fear of being alone forever often captures me. I think of the quote, I’d rather loved and lost, then never loved at all. I don’t wish the feeling of your heart breaking on anyone. More than often I beg God to let me start over. Take me back to when I was 15 and innocent. If I could do it all over again I am not sure I would chose to love someone that ended up hurting me. Maybe it’s because I have never felt real love. Maybe once I do my opinion will change.

Your mouth is poison. Your mouth is wine.

Why do we let someone so close to us, only to hurt us? Over and over again…

I don’t love you, but I always will.

Video

Tue, 29 Nov 2011 19:17:20 -0500

come away my beloved...

Sat, 26 Nov 2011 21:45:14 -0500

Walk on with me.

“Make me walk in the path of your commandments, For I delight in it. “ Psalm 119:35

My child, the path of duty is before you. It may look rugged, but it is the only way of divine blessing. Choose some other way, an you shall find only disappointment and frustration of the soul. Weariness shall overtake you on the smoothest road, if it is not the pathway of My ordained will. Be not deceived by doubts and be not detained by fears. Move into the center of My purposes for you. You shall find glorious victories are waiting for you, and recompenses far exceeding every sacrifice. Be obedient: You will bring joy to My heart. Neither the applause nor the scorn of others should be of any consequence to you. My approval is reward enough, and without this, any other satisfaction is not worthy of your pursuit. Walk on with me. I will be very near to give you support and encouragement, so you have nothing to warrant your fears. They will vanish as you obey.

mmm good.

Sat, 26 Nov 2011 20:28:49 -0500

Too exhausted to actually write functioning sentences and thoughts. The basic thought that I have come to is that I am always hurting. For example, the past four years I have only been single for about 1.5 months. And out of the time that I was not single I was 86% of the time not in a good relationship. The remaining 14% was spent with someone I thought would eventually weigh out the odds and become my 100%. Like my math skills? So, I am tired. I am tired of trying to fit someone’s mold for me…and failing. I am tired of forgetting who I am. I am tired of making my decisions based off of someone else. I am tired of feeling my heart torn in two. So…if you are a silly boy who thinks that I would just make a lovely girlfriend, think again. There have been too many immature boys who believe they are ready for a relationship that lead me on only to let me down easy saying they are just “unsure”. Like the famous poet said, If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it. Or else…

All in love, right?

Love

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 23:03:46 -0500

I am thankful.

Thankful for love.

There’s the reason I know what love is- Jesus.

There’s the love I was born into- Family.

There’s the love of a best friend- Rebecca.

There’s the love of a man- Jake.

All of these loves help to somehow make me feel complete and joyful, each day. The difficult task is to maintain the healthy balance and continue to love them back. Sometimes it gets exhausting and sometimes I feel like I have failed. I have not listened to that person, I have not served that person, I have not loved that person. In all of these relationships, they are two sided. If I do not initiate anything, then the relationship does not move forward. My thoughtful conclusion: I am thankful for the love of these relationships. Thankful enough to continue working everyday to ensure they’re here to stay.

Grace

Wed, 09 Nov 2011 16:08:00 -0500

It’s been about a year and a half but this song still remains apart of me. Every time I hear it I think it finally applies to where I am at, but once again, God continues to move me further along. This song has a special place in me because it brings me back to my summer as a camp counselor. God took me on a journey that summer. There are still scars from this past year because of that summer, but when I hear this song it is as though God is gently reminding me that I am not who I was. I may have made wrong choices, but those choices do not define me. My identity is found in Christ. It is right here and now, every choice that I make, that confirms who He has said I am. So, this is my shout out to a certain person who did hurt me, but like the song says, I found a way to forgive you.

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I’m not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I’m not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I’m not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it’s a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I’m not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe ‘cause I want it so much
I’m not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that’s what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I’m not who I was

-Brandon Heath

Redeemed

Sun, 06 Nov 2011 21:52:25 -0500

I recently retweeted something I thought was profound: “I have to follow my heart” is actually code for “I just want to do whatever I want”. Or maybe I could just relate. My struggle: Hearing God speak to me. I am so afraid to confuse God’s voice with my own selfish desires. My prayer: Cleanse my heart my reveal my impure ways that I may follow only Truth’s voice.

I questioned God’s existence last night. Everything He appeared to be in my mind was too large of a concept to grasp, so I gave up. Then an image of a scarred hand came into my mind. God’s vastness might overwhelm me, but I know what Jesus did for me is real. Focusing on His sacrifice validated His existence within seconds.

A quick turn of events left me nervous and doubtful. I felt more than discouraged…hopeless. When one loses hope, life becomes dim.

Before I had time to lament on my fear of God’s unfaithfulness, I was detoured. I found myself in a service I should have been weeks ago. I scrambled to find something to take notes on and filled every white space on a welcome card. I found myself paralleled with Pharaoh. Just like him I am filled with stubbornness and pride. Because of continuos rebellion, God may be holding back interaction with me, to discipline me.

Our sinful nature draws us in. Only by the power of God are we redeemed and free. Pharaoh’s response was a paradox of God’s sovereignty and man’s choice.

I was asked, when was the last time you erupted with the thanksgiving towards Jesus for His willingness to restrain His wrath in your life?

As of right now, I have set aside distractions (whether I believe they are good or bad distractions). My only desire is to be filled with thanksgiving to God for redeeming me.

I have always loved this story in the Bible of Ruth and Naomi....

Thu, 27 Oct 2011 02:06:34 -0400

I have always loved this story in the Bible of Ruth and Naomi. When I heard this song I was just so thankful for my best friend and my sisters. Nothing can ever replace those relationships and it’s crazy how God uses them in my life. And how those relationships in return honor God.

I often feel like I was born in the wrong time period. My aunt...

Wed, 26 Oct 2011 02:31:33 -0400

I often feel like I was born in the wrong time period. My aunt is having a grand old time at this party.

There are no words…

Tue, 25 Oct 2011 01:54:25 -0400

There are no words…

Fresh Start?

Tue, 25 Oct 2011 00:59:21 -0400

2 Corinthians 5:17

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”

Believing that the word of God is the truth and then reading that verse is the most encouraging thing for believers, including me, especially tonight.

Just having faith alone that I will be and am already a new creation makes me smile. No longer do I have to worry about what I have done in the past, each choice I make starting right now determines who I am.

Beautiful Things

Sat, 22 Oct 2011 21:23:02 -0400

I was overcome with emotion tonight as I sat alone listening to Beautiful Things by Gungor. So much emotion has poured from me the past week. To be completely transparent, I never saw myself as beautiful. I saw myself as someone who was broken and who broke others. With the reality of how insignificant certain things are and how fleeting life can be, I was in search of something…something meaningful. To think that an innocent young girl has been told she has a limited amount of days left only caused me to look at my own life and wish that I could take her spot. I thought that I deserved that; she didn’t. I have caused so many people pain without even thinking about the consequences. How could the Creator of the earth think I was beautiful?

So much pain. How could anything beautiful come from something that produced no beauty?

The ending. You are making me new. How can you combine the realizations of grace and forgiveness and redemption and mercy and love?! Tears and prayers of thankfulness is where I am at.

He thinks I am beautiful and that’s all I need to worry about today.

gloria-harper: I have grown up with this girl since I was 5....

Sat, 22 Oct 2011 21:05:29 -0400

gloria-harper:

I have grown up with this girl since I was 5. Yesterday my beautiful friend Katie Wagner was diagnosed with stage 4 bone and lung cancer. Everyone, please take a moment to pray for Katie, and the miracle that is on its way. Love you Katie, stay strong

He raised the bar.

Wed, 19 Oct 2011 17:56:00 -0400

He raised the bar.

Play on, hippie.

Sat, 15 Oct 2011 22:41:25 -0400

Play on, hippie.