Write About It

See it, think it, feel it. Write it.

Aloha…

I am leaving in 4 days. I have abandoned this blog due to my busy days of preparing and entertaining family. To say it’s been chaotic is an understatement. I haven’t even had time to get nervous, my mind is constantly spinning and making to-do lists. I just want to be on the plane. I want to cut off all contact with the outside world. I want to prove to people that I can do this! Though they say they believe I can, I don’t think they really do, it’s like people under estimate me. Well i’m doing it…

jakespeaks:

Sorrow found me when I was young,
Sorrow waited, sorrow won.
Sorrow that put me on the pills,
It’s in my honey, it’s in my milk.
Don’t leave my hyper heart alone
On the water,
Cover me in rag and bones, sympathy.
Cause I don’t wanna get over you.
I don’t wanna get over you.

Sorrows my body on the waves
Sorrows a girl inside my cave
I live in a city sorrow build?
It’s in my honey, it’s in my milk.
Dont leave my hyper heart alone,
On the water,
Cover me in rag and bones, sympathy.
Cause I don’t wanna get over you.
I don’t wanna get over you.

every time I am feeling depressed I thank God im not the guy who wrote this song.  this guy is super depressed. but it creates such good music. depression = love/hate

Wystan Hugh Auden  (1907-1973)


Funeral Blues 


Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling in the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever, I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.


Will.

I had the pleasure of meeting Will over the phone for an interview for an article I am writing about a grand race called El Tour De Tucson. My angle was on certain riders who had faced obstacles in their life that were difficult to overcome but through the training and accomplishment of the race, they had, in a way, achieved more than crossing the finish line. In Will’s case, he has been battling melanoma for three years. Two days after riding the 2010 El Tour De Tucson, he had his right eye removed. He saw it as his “last possible ride”. This year’s ride, however, took on another meaning. Will rode with two significant people in his life, on both sides of him; Erec on one side and Tom on the other. Because of his limited vision, Will had the fear of crashing or even knocking someone over, that’s when he was humbled and open to receive help. He told me that it might sound odd, but this race became a spiritual event for him. I saw nothing odd in that statement. This year it became about being grateful and it was no longer about the “macho b.s.” About three weeks before the ride (he was still undecided about riding), Will decided to fly down from Indiana and join the race. He knew he would regret it if he didn’t. El Tour affirmed the journey of this last year facing the limitation of surgery and recovery. It was not about the bike ride, it was about pushing beyond limits, limits of cancer.

Will saw the ride as symbolic; a “life-giving” experience.

For Tom, having Will come back brought meaning to the ride. For Erec, the ride was not about finishing first or beating your previous time, it was a service to others.

“I couldn’t have gotten through without them” Said Will.

 

I received an email from Erec this morning:

Hey Madison,

I am delighted you got a chance to talk to Will and Tom.

And I doubt that Will told you, but his cancer had metastasized.

He has a bad prognosis, but is looking at various treatments.

This is just a post script to your article, a sad one.

Please don’t mention to him that I told you, but I thought you should know.

 

Will has been given six months to live. He has a wife and children.

 

I told Erec, I’m not sure if it means much, but I am praying for Will, I believe God can heal.

 

Erec said, I share that same belief.

 

I have only known Erec for a few months through my job at The University of Arizona. He has frequently visited my office and has shared bits of life lessons throughout our conversations. He stood out to me because of his genuineness. He was interested in my life. He told me once that I brought life to humanity, and though it sounds like an odd compliment, it made sense to me. I saw the same thing in him. I think, in a way, Jesus connects us believers. When you encounter someone who has a genuine spirit and truly loves, you just know. You know why they are different, because so are you.

Sister

My final essay in my creative non fiction class is a 20 page minimum revised story. I chose to write about my sister. As I began, it was mostly a narrative of her time in the hospital, but now it has become this self analysis on how my relationship with her has formed me into me. 

It’s so heavy, it’s hard to swallow. How can someone be such a part of molding you?

The choice is yours

Why does love pull you in and then spit you out? I made a promise to someone to never give up, even though we might not like each other somedays, a commitment meant more. We work through the hard times. We push aside those feelings of unsettlement. We stay. The end is worth it, or so I was told. The fear of being alone forever often captures me. I think of the quote, I’d rather loved and lost, then never loved at all. I don’t wish the feeling of your heart breaking on anyone. More than often I beg God to let me start over. Take me back to when I was 15 and innocent. If I could do it all over again I am not sure I would chose to love someone that ended up hurting me. Maybe it’s because I have never felt real love. Maybe once I do my opinion will change. 

Your mouth is poison. Your mouth is wine. 

Why do we let someone so close to us, only to hurt us? Over and over again…

I don’t love you, but I always will.

come away my beloved…

Walk on with me.

“Make me walk in the path of your commandments, For I delight in it. “ Psalm 119:35

My child, the path of duty is before you. It may look rugged, but it is the only way of divine blessing. Choose some other way, an you shall find only disappointment and frustration of the soul. Weariness shall overtake you on the smoothest road, if it is not the pathway of My ordained will. Be not deceived by doubts and be not detained by fears. Move into the center of My purposes for you. You shall find glorious victories are waiting for you, and recompenses far exceeding every sacrifice. Be obedient: You will bring joy to My heart. Neither the applause nor the scorn of others should be of any consequence to you. My approval is reward enough, and without this, any other satisfaction is not worthy of your pursuit. Walk on with me. I will be very near to give you support and encouragement, so you have nothing to warrant your fears. They will vanish as you obey

mmm good.

Too exhausted to actually write functioning sentences and thoughts. The basic thought that I have come to is that I am always hurting. For example, the past four years I have only been single for about 1.5 months. And out of the time that I was not single I was 86% of the time not in a good relationship. The remaining 14% was spent with someone I thought would eventually weigh out the odds and become my 100%. Like my math skills? So, I am tired. I am tired of trying to fit someone’s mold for me…and failing. I am tired of forgetting who I am. I am tired of making my decisions based off of someone else. I am tired of feeling my heart torn in two. So…if you are a silly boy who thinks that I would just make a lovely girlfriend, think again. There have been too many immature boys who believe they are ready for a relationship that lead me on only to let me down easy saying they are just “unsure”. Like the famous poet said, If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it. Or else…

All in love, right? 

Love

I am thankful.

Thankful for love.

There’s the reason I know what love is- Jesus.

There’s the love I was born into- Family.

There’s the love of a best friend- Rebecca.

There’s the love of a man- Jake.

All of these loves help to somehow make me feel complete and joyful, each day. The difficult task is to maintain the healthy balance and continue to love them back. Sometimes it gets exhausting and sometimes I feel like I have failed. I have not listened to that person, I have not served that person, I have not loved that person. In all of these relationships, they are two sided. If I do not initiate anything, then the relationship does not move forward. My thoughtful conclusion: I am thankful for the love of these relationships. Thankful enough to continue working everyday to ensure they’re here to stay.